The problem with my life is simple, I care about others, so you gotta wonder where I would be if I just cared about myself like many people in this world. I'll tell you one thing, I certaintly wouldn't care about half the things I do care about. Seemingly I'm here to entertain and after a certain point a better act comes along and I'm left behind, you know how much I'd love to be able to do that to people, but I can't, so I'll stick with what I got and what I know.

Most of you know by now I can't stand stupid people. I'm not saying I'm smart, but I'm talking about stupidity in the sense of how somebody acts around others. The sarcastic and witty comments I make are not stupid or annoying. Once in a while I'll admit I can be annoying, but I'm always pretty much the same person. Why do people feel they need to act in such a way to become accepted and why act different when the groups arent around. By this stage in life, there is no reason to act different anymore. The people you meet and become friends with now are the ones who will be around in the long run. At this point there is no reason to strive for social acceptance, be yourself and the people who always wanted to stay will still be there.

So nothing is ever new in my life, hasn't been since about midway through last year (2002). I need something new, it'd help me out in general.

So I've decided to make this more like a journal now. . .

Basically my other journal and a messageboard

Hmmmm

I just realized I'm insane

November 6th 3:30 a.m

And now may this rest silent again after this entry. I changed the site as to what I'll write on, I figured it's really no different the more I think about it, the archives are still up if you want to read those and maybe I'll return one day here and I'll still probably put my new entries in the archive after the month, but I figure by then nobody will actually visit the archives or here and will have forgotten, so yeah I decided to take a different route this time around, hope all is well and thanks for reading all these times. And now (November 8th), this journal finally did some good for someone other than me, and even though it is something that made me happy, being thanked by someone I've never met in my life because they read whatever I had to say and got something out if it, makes this all worth it.

Here was the email

okay.. so wow .. this may seem a little weird, but that is in no way how this is meant, i came across your website tonight when i was doing research for depression paper im writing, i dunno how it actullay came up. but anyway all i wanted to say was that when i was reading what you wrote it made complete sense, and now thinking back on that, as i write this, i couldve been wrtitten a while ago. I guess what i was trying to say was that i was good, or cool, or something, to know that someone felt at one point in time the way i feel. so thanks. that is all i was trying to say.

November 5th 3:35 a.m

I was in bed with The girl at the end of the world She said "I'm going home, You should come home too But I'm at the end of a new frontier here at the edge of the flat earth ending I'm getting off to get lost in the air At the end of the world where the light is bending From the outside of everything To the inside of you So lets talk about the events of today because it did not start off well. Usually I have no problem with rain, maybe even I enjoy it, well this morning, it was raining a sufficient amount, I was walking to class all listening to my music, thinking depressing thoughts, when some asshole decided to ruin my good mood and drive through a puddle and soak me in water. My pants were like sick and dirty and wet and so I had to sit through class soaked in water besides just the misty rain, so that was fun. Got to learn about jealousy in the class, that's always fun. So after that, I walked home in the rain again, I drove people to classes, went to my other class in which there is a test on Tuesday in. It was a decent class, teacher made some good jokes. He was talking about his sister-in-law has 8 kids, 5 from 5 different dads and he was like you should've named them all the same thing like Pat or something so it could be used for both a male or female and the woman is like how will the kid know I'm calling them, so he was like say their last name, it was entertaining. I always joke with a friend in that class that the teacher always has a standup gig on the side, so it's always great when he randomly goes into south park characters or make jokes cause he is possibly the most boring teacher ever. So then I got back from that class, dropped people off at classes again and then I get home, finally I can relax and I hear this weird dripping noise. There is a fucking leak in my ceiling in my room. Luckily it's not really in an important spot and the rain eventually stopped, so the dripping dwindled down, but still. Though, it actually was a big step in my life, nobody was home and at first I was going to wait until someone else got home and have them call the company, but I decided to be a big boy and actually call the place myself, people were impressed and I was pretty surprised at myself as well. And then another huge step for me is I actually made an appointment to see an advisor next week so I can make my schedule for next semester, that's like huge, and I don't know where the motivation came from, but then again I was thinking to myself as I walked to class this morning that I can't make it ever to my 10:20 class, yet freshman year with just as little sleep and just as far of a walk, I managed to make it to my 9:10 class all, but 2 times. So I think something takes over me in certain situations when my mind is down. Besides all that excitement, the rest of the day fucking sucked, I did nothing, sat around the house all night, there was about a 2 hour period where I was flipping out and really wanted to get drunk, isn't that sad, every fucking weekend I want to drink now and why, well I realized I'm probably more depressed than I ever have been, it just comes out differently this time around. Not really, I did have a point today where I did feel like I was at my lowest point ever, but overall I don't think I'm really there besides maybe a few moments at a time. I have to wake up at 9:30 for a fucking group meeting at 10 at the library, who the fuck meets on a Friday morning at 10 a.m for a project that is due November 23rd, thats right 18 days, and all we have to do is go to the library to make copies of a survey from a book, can't one person do that and at anytime. And then after that, I have to go sign the lease to live here 1 more year after all this is said and done. So by the time I'm done with everything it'll be like 1:30 and I'll be dead tired since I got no sleep last night since I had to be up at 9:30. My room is so messy right now, it's weird, don't know how it got to this point, but whatever. There were other things that made me unhappy today and frustrated me, but I don't feel like talking anymore, so I'm going to continue living my life, fuck off, ahh don't you all love violent talking.

November 4th 2:04 a.m

My therapist said not to see you no more She said you're like a disease without any cure She said I'm so obsessed that I'm becoming a bore, oh no Ah you think you're so pretty eeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Oooh it's early, I'm anxious right now, so that doesn't help much, so I came here to see what can be done for me, which is probably nothing. Today was a weird day I guess, not at all, but I went to classes and thats about it, been in my room for much of the night. I was kind of depressed this morning about life, but as the day went on things got better. I had a computer quiz, it took me a while, too many annoying excel graphs and stuff to make and majority of the class still wasn't finished after an hour and that bothers me for some reason. I got my space heater now, so I can be warmer at night, it's kind of nice being warmer. I have been singing since like 11 here, I don't know what's gone wrong and why there is so much anxiousness. Sadly I'm sitting here with my little stuffed animal Rocky and am not sure what to do with anything. I actually have to go to class in the morning, well I don't have to, but I missed Tuesday so I'm gonna have to go unfortunately in the morning. And so I gotta go to all my classes because I have a test on Tuesday in my other class I have on these days. Oh well, it's the weekend after that, well kind of, fucking group project at 10 a.m on a Friday, that's just out of control. The anxiousness has kind of died down now after I realized something that is completely irrelevant to what I'm typing, but what can you do. Today was a similar day to last year with being in my room just singing all night, kind of weird, but what can ya do, I knew I'd flip out like every year early on, and I gave a warning a few months back, I'm not as bad off this year yet for some reason though as I thought I'd be, but it is early and I still have a lot to figure out. Its been 2 weeks, that's fucked up, time goes by way too fast here, nobody probably knows what I'm talking about, but I know and my mental time clock watches that shit closely unfortunately. Oh well, I'm going home this weekend, so I can get back to full on depression probably being there, since I can never handle being there anymore and especially not now, it'll have been 3 weeks since I was actually last home, and it'll basically be the full 3 weeks, which I think it's actually a first to go that long without even stopping at home for one day during the week. I'll probably just go home Saturday though and I have to comeback up Sunday though, so that one day will be interesting, I may actually call someone and go out when I'm home, but we shall see because anxiety always gets the best of me. Today when I was walking, I told myself, Charlie, thats what I sometimes call myself, you are going to be normal today, open that phone in your pocket and call someone like you probably should've been doing your whole life. I opened the phone went to the number and did my usual close the phone immediately, it makes me too nervous to even see my phone that close to calling anybody. I probably should see a therapist at this point, but I guess I'll just let things keep getting fucked up in my life and continue myself. I mean technically, if you look where I was in high school, I've gotten better with the phone thing. There are 4 people I can call outside of my family and not really worry, of course 3 of those people I live with and I still can't actually call girls, not that I really have any friends that are girls at this point, but hey, maybe I'll be saved and amazing again. Nah, I don't know, it's all my fault and I realize it everytime, but I'm also probably one of the saddest cases of a 20 year old, still sitting with his stuffed dog tucked under his arm, oh well, I'm talking to someone I haven't in a while and that stuff always makes me happy, I should get more of these people called friends. Everyone is bummed out about the election, but I think it'll motivate me because before I'm drafted, there are a lot of things I want to do in life and so, that'll get me a jump start on everything before it's too late. Plus I figure, bad economy, it'll be a nice way to start off outside of college. I'm way too awake right now, not good times at all. I really hate what this journal has become and I hate that more people read it now and I hate that I can't stop coming here and saying what's on my mind. I mean technically I could stop, change the page or something, but for some reason everytime I try to do that, it just feels so awkward to me and even though in those cases there are really no limitations to what I feel I can say, I think I need those limitations on me. It's only 3 a.m, that bothers me a lot, it feels so much later to me and the smart thing to do would be attempt to sleep, but as black and blue plays it just keeps me more awake, for the past few days I've only listened to 5 musicians, Counting Crows, Ben Folds, Matt Nathanson, Ingram Hill and Ryan Adams and random 80s songs. Majority of the listening surprisingly until today have been Matt and Ben. Nathanson has dominated my music world over the past month or so, which figures because seemingly that's where everything fell apart, but the music is still amazing, plus I guess since Counting Crows don't have any new shows and I can download a new Matt show everyday and he mixes up his setlists a ton, so that would explain the heavy listening. Counting Crows are playing a fan club concert in New York on Tuesday November 16th, all they have is a lottery for 150 people to win, if it was a weekend I'd for sure go and if I didn't have a test on that day and on the next day, I would be extremely tempted to enter the contest and if I won just take a fucked up trip to New York, really plane tickets are extremely cheap right now, at least when I checked a couple days ago, would've been willing to do a nice early morning trip there, 6 a.m back the next day. I'm trying to figure out if I've lost weight or gained weight, I don't really have anxiety when I eat anymore, which is the best thing ever not having it, I still don't eat a ton and I drink so much water and do walk a lot, so I was trying to figure it out, I think I have gained weight, but if I find that out this weekend sadly it'll bother me too much. It's kind of sad, last month was the first month since May that the person I talked to the most was different, I'm not going to deny, it sucks. And I'm so done, goodnight elisabeth I am so sorry now.

November 3rd 4:01 a.m

Mommy?s alright, daddy?s alright, they just seem a little weird. Surrender, surrender, but don?t give yourself away, ay, ay, ay. Whatever happened to all this season?s losers of the year? Ev?ry time I got to thinking, where?d they disappear? When I woke up, mom and dad are rolling on the couch. Rolling numbers, rock and rolling, got my kiss records out.

So this will be short I guess because I don't feel like talking much tonight. I'm disappointed Bush has basically won the election, I just don't see how he is any good for the country. And the proposals in Michigan, 1 and 2, I was surprised to see pass so overwhelmingly, but I figured all this would happen, because if you look at it, when a lot of the campaigning was anyone, but Bush, that just shows people still didn't have enough confidence in Kerry, the democrats and the country needed a better candidate and unfortunately there was nobody else. Either way, I hate talking about politics, so I'll talk about my life. It sucks, next question, just kidding, I skipped my morning class again today because I am terrible at life. I went to my other 2 though. I got an 87.5% on my group com paper, which I was satisfied with and the class average was a 74%, so that made me even more happy because I needed to do well on it anyway. And then we got our pop quizzes back, I got an 8/10, but the teacher actually gave everyone a bonus point in our class cause she really likes us a lot, so I got a 9/10. I have a test in that class next week, so hopefully I can do well on that. We have another group paper due in a couple weeks, the good thing about that is, I'm in the best group possible, it's kind of shady, it seems that my group is everyone who the teacher knows and knows will do well, I guess it's a good thing though because odds are we'll do very good and I always like doing well. Though, it's kind of an awkward situation in the group because one of the people in the group is actually a 30 year old guy, which there is nothing wrong with, but he was like making fun of me, which is fine, because I guess it's been developed in that class for people to make fun of me since the teacher does it, but I didn't understand what he was trying to say, talking about me going into a sorority house and taking pictures, it was fucked up. It's 72 days until my birthday, I don't know where that came from, just was thinking. I was too disappoint by what was happening on tv to do anything that could benefit my peace of mind, oh well. Hope everyone is doing well, if you got a question, concern, want to say something to me, drop a line my way.

November 2nd 3:04 a.m

My ears are always open to your laments and my will is always weak for your advances, and I'll play the maid and clean up the mess I wasn't like anyone else so real and so strong, so you said it's always," welcome back, I'll take your bags " things haven't changed much since you left my side and though your rooms been unoccupied, I have tried to give it up. So here are my ears again and here are my arms and here are my hopes again, just please keep coming back.

Today was an interesting day I guess, or not at all. Pretty uneventful for the most part, went to my classes and then was here all day and night. Lets see, my mom got fired from her job today, I guess it was good that they kept her around for a few more months, but still pretty shitty the whole situation. No idea what she is going to do, I feel bad though, been there for a while. I guess that's life though. So next up on the agenda, got a 2.5 on my sociology exam after the curve, so got a 3.5 on the first test and a 2.5 on the 2nd one, right now I have a 3.5 cause of the in class stuff we do, so thats cool. The class average was a 2.4 on the exam after the curve, I got a 53/87, a 61% basically, and the class average was below that, what type of fucking test is that, especially for a soc 100 class. Either way, whatever, we have another test coming up soon in it though. We watched a video on anger in that class today, it was partially funny, and surprise, it got me angry. It was funny because it was from the 80s and so the people etc. were funny. Of course though hearing all these things about what angers people and what anger is and how to deal with it, it just built up inside during the video. Anger leads to saying stupid things, anger is obviously a defense mechanism for holding something that probably depresses you back and so on. I'll probably do something about it tomorrow, or not, but yeah maybe one day soon. There was a small point tonight I had a little bit of anger left over from that class or just life in general it seems, not sure why, kind of just came about. I've started talking to that girl from Michigania a lot in the past week, which is a good thing for me because I just need people to talk to most of the time. It's kind of freaking me out a little now, I know most of the people who check this site, but there a few that have recently appeared that are fucking with my head and my address locating site isn't really helping me out with some of them, so its frustrating trying to spy on the people who spy on me. Besides that, I'm pretty much my normal self, don't sleep much at night, am happy one minute, sad and frustrated the next. It's November and thats just scary in itself, definitely not where I hoped to be by this month. I'm excited for the election tomorrow, I kind of feel Bush is going to win though unfortunately, but I always was a pessimist I guess, well at least since college started. Alright, I'll spare you some reading, that is if people even do read this or if they get here, look at my picture, and realize they went to the wrong website or just don't feel like reading, but want to make me feel better seeing that people actually still come here.

November 1st 2:04 a.m

On certain Sundays in November When the weather bothers me I empty drawers of other summer's Where my shadows used to be She is standing by the water As her smile begins to curl In this or any other summer She is something all together different Never just an ordinary girl

Holy shit, it's november. Well, October didn't go as well as I had hoped, however, I did end the month in a good way. These past few days have been really good for me, I got out, did some things and that seemed to help. There are a lot of things that go on in my head daily that may slowly be turning in a different direction. I was extremely bitter all day in my mind, however, it generally had the, I'm still happy after taste. There are things built up, that continue to, that I will eventually get out. I was angered for a good portion of the evening, just a lot of stuff going through my mind and a lot of frustrations. But as angered as I may have somewhat been, it was never depression, nor was it going to turn into a depressing mood. Not sure if thats a good thing, but I maintained a certain amount of composure and I was fine. I went out tonight and saw people I haven't seen in a while. I had a real good time, as I often do with these people, the kid going to Israel/India soon, was up at here at school so I went over to where he was at and hung out with 6 kids who I hung out with a decent amount last year at ZBT and maybe it is I get high off the second hand smoke that always clouds the room, maybe it was finally leaving this place and getting a big change of scenery but it made me happy, something that maybe I haven't allowed myself to be for the past couple weeks. I had a good weekend in general, yeah I drank Friday and Saturday, probably unconciously motivated by reasons that should never get a person to drink, yet the reason most people do, but I had a pretty good time. I'm really surprised, with especially the amount I drank on Friday night that I never got sick this weekend, but I guess drinking a lot for me is like nothing for any human, so it couldn't really get me sick. I talked to a lot of random people this week, some people I haven't talked to in a month, some in a year, some in a couple weeks. It's weird to me how everyone started talking to me this week, even if it was for a brief moment. Maybe I come off like a terrible person while I write here, it's never my intention, especially right there, where I'm like everyone started talking to me this week. Yeah, I could be the one to try and talk to these people as well, but there is something inside of me that doesn't allow me to do it after a certain period. A lot of the time, especially now, I'm not scared to find out why maybe I'm I don't talk with this person as much or why I'm not still friends with that person, but I don't want to let go if something just abruptly ends, especially if it was a relationship that meant a lot to me. And then there are some of these relationships, I know I can talk to them like nothing has changed. And sadly, there are some I just don't and probably never did care about. I know I've probably said all this stuff before, but it's basically what I've become. It's amazing, for the past 6 years I've searched for what I want to be, who I want to be around/who I want to be around me and everytime I'm just never satisfied or things just fall apart and I end up living in the past, and letting things repeat themselves. I became that insomniac from freshman year again this month, I let things get to me that used to not, I sang the songs to let out what was inside. I looked at lyrics every night from different artists trying to relate to what other people have felt. I want this month to be different for me, will I still not sleep well, probably. Will I still sing songs getting emotions out and looking at songs, of course. Will there be days, I'm depressed, of course, but this month I'm trying something different, I'm going to keep things in mind that not necessarily make me happy, but that help me realize that things can be ok, if you allow yourself to let them be that way. I guess I needed this month to test myself and maybe I failed in the minds of others and maybe I failed during the month, but I think it'll help me out in the long run. This was the biggest month of change from a consistency and a predictability standpoint of my life since September 2002, I've made it clear that no matter where it comes from, I don't usually handle change well, so I struggled this month. So I'm done for tonight, I added the end of September/October stuff to the archives, which nobody reads anyway, so whatever, it's just so I can have them when I publish my book and make my movie. I hope everyone is doing well, and are happy. One last thing, I got the coolest google search to this website, it was someone from New York, but here it is http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&lr=&q=hilary duff and benjie dating%3F, the search of course "hilary duff and benjie dating." I checked it out and there were no real results, so I don't think she is dating a guy named Benjie, unless if someone is just fucking with me completely, either way, it's a cool search and it works, it leads you right here...

Link your homepage or profile to my journal now and get your site linked on my prestigous site! The web address is below.

http://members.fortunecity.com/bbwf1/index.html

If you have any questions send an email my way at

[email protected]

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